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Fun Page 2

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Top thirty ways to create a successful Star Trek website

30. Don't ponder whether your visitors have a browser with Java, ActiveX or Shockwave Flash. You may safely assume that everyone has always the most advanced hardware and software.

29. In particular, don't pay attention to the obstinate minority of Netscape or Mozilla users. Make your site for use with Internet Explorer only. In order to prevent anyone from seeing your website without indispensable features like a colored scroll bar, ensure this with a browser check.

28. While you're at it, let the site run in full-screen mode only. There can be nothing more important on your visitor's computer than your site.

27. Use special cursors or other unusual plug-ins and remind your visitors to get these incredibly important tools with each page loading. They will gladly download and install dozens of components to fully experience your site.

26. Java applets are still the best way to create LCARS style menus. How exciting it is to wait for the Java machine to initialize and for the buttons to slowly appear and disappear one after another! There is nothing better to do for the visitor during his online time. Special tip: Include extra delay and a few dummy buttons, just for fun!

25. Everything published in the web is public domain. Get all your content from other websites and don't bore your visitors with unnecessary credits.

24. Be sure to disable the right mouse button. You're the web*master*, and the visitor shouldn't be able to steal things as easily as you.

23. You don't need a link page. But demand that every Trek webmaster add your link on their site, preferably a big banner on their main page.

22. Advertise your site on message boards every day. Say that it is the best Trek site ever and other superlatives. CAPITALIZE every letter.

21. Creative orthography is a way to emphasize the distinctiveness of your site.

20. If you don't have enough content on your site, you should rework the site design and announce a big relaunch at least every two months. Take the site offline until the relaunch, to make it more thrilling.

19. Get several pop-ups to stress the importance of your site and be sure that the pop-ups reappear every time a new page is loaded.

18. Before actually entering the site, list the system requirements, explain the navigation and require the visitor to agree to your terms of service. Let the visitor confirm each requirement separately.

17. Display all your webring memberships, awards, cyber pets, rotating banners and Get Shockwave! buttons on your main page. The more you gather of them, the more your creativity will be admired.

16. Be sure to hide the "Enter" link somewhere between the banners, so searching it will be even more fun.

15. A page name is not part of the actual site design. You don't have to name the pages. Just keep "Untitled Page" or whatever the editor calls it. If you do give them names though, they should never be too long. "Index" or "Links" is more than sufficient. Visitors will appreciate the additional entertainment of seeking for your site among their bookmarks.

14. Open a new browser window for each page. For the Star Trek fan, with his above-average intelligence, it will be fascinating to master a maze of windows.

13. Navigation is only fun if the visitor is not told in advance where a link will lead him. Instead of labeling them, provide only image links, and use icons that are not immediately recognizable.

12. In order to make navigation an even more exciting experience, replace the link display in the browser's status line with a more interesting message (such as "sign my guestbook" or "buy CDs at MySponsor.com"). In addition, the visited link color should always be the same as the link color.

11. Also, don't distinguish between internal and external links. Let the work of other fans look as if it belonged to your site. Always open other sites in your frame set.

10. Optimize your page design for 1600*1200 pixels. This is what any serious user should have anyway. But compress all the essential text to 640 pixels width so you have the rest for extensive graphical design.

9. If you use frames, a left, middle, top and bottom frame are imperative, a right and upper left frame optional. Your frames must be optimized for 1600*1200 pixels too, and don't forget to suppress the scroll bars!

8. Don't overload your pages with information. If you have longer articles, split them into pages with at most one paragraph or 100 words and with at least ten pages per article. But load new backgrounds and banners with each new page. People without DSL will spend enjoyable hours to wait for your pages, and offline surfers will be eager to go online again to read the rest.

7. You don't need a pixel graphics software if you want to change a photo to a different size or aspect ratio. Just use the width and height tag to fit all graphics into your page design.

6. If you have a black background image, you must set the HTML bgcolor to white, and vice versa. The flickering while the page is loading adds to the overall excitement.

5. All graphics must be animated GIFs or Flash. Those who prefer a boring still screen should rather read a book.

4. If you have large images for download, don't bother your visitors with thumbnails which can hardly give an impression of the stunning quality of a 1600*1200 pixel Windows desktop background. Put them all on one page, so it is easy to compare them. Nice side effect: It is a decent way to tell backward people to get DSL and/or a new computer.

3. Large fonts are for beginners. Look what the professionals do. The more important your site is supposed to be, the smaller you should make the font size. It is a decent way to tell visitors to see their optician.

2. Only Star Trek fonts create a real Trek feeling. Don't only use them for the headlines.

1. Oh, I forgot an important exception: Fonts may be large if they are also bold, colorful and blinking.

 

Website Awards from Hell

I f you actually want one of these, just grab it, they are all for free.

"LCARS" Award      Shockwave Shock Award

The Threshold Award      Design Creativity Award

The Pakled Award      Neelix Award

 

USS Windows NT-98

The story of Bill Gates comparing the computer industry and the auto industry is well-known: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a humorous press release, describing the way cars would behave if they were like Microsoft products.

This is what Starfleet ships developed by Microsoft would be like:

1. For no reason whatsoever your warp core would be dropped twice a day.

2. Every time they changed the main interstellar flight routes you would have to get a new ship.

3. Occasionally your starship would die in outer space for no reason, and you would just accept this, reinitialize the engines and warp on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your engines to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the warp core.

5. Only one person could work on the ship at a time, unless you bought "Starship98" or "StarshipNT". But, then you would have to buy more bridge modules.

6. Macintosh would make a starship that was powered by a stable Omega molecule, had quantum slipstream drive, was reliable and twice as easy to fly, but would only run between Earth and Vulcan.

7. The antimatter containment, structural integrity and shield failure messages would be replaced by a single "general starship failure" warning.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt (poor Scotty!).

9. The deflector shields would ask "Are you sure?" before going up.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your ship would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. Well, how this can be accomplished on a starship remains unanswered...

11. Utopia Planitia would require all starship buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Mark IV tricorders, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the ship's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, Utopia Planitia would become a target for investigation by the Federation Council.

12. Every time Utopia Planitia introduced a new class, ship personnel would have to learn how to operate it all over again because none of the controls would work in the same manner as on the old ship.

13. You'd have to say "engage" to shut down the engines.

 

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Last modified: 09.09.12  
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