Fun - Top Ten Lists


Top ten things that could have ended Star Trek (around the year 2000)

10. Voyager finally comes home, chased by the Borg, Krenim, Voth, Hirogen, Devore, Vaadwaur and Species 8472 who, in a joined effort, conquer the Alpha Quadrant.

9. Data's famous last words when he discovers a decloaking and firing Warbird: "Oh shit - it's green."

8. Q's son plays "planet pool" in Federation space.

7. Someone mistakenly uses the CG starships of Babylon 5 for Star Trek. Update: Actually, this has already happened, notice that the incursion ship from "Year of Hell" looks like the Babylon 5 station...

6. Morn begins to talk and there's no way of stopping him.

5. The Borg send more than one cube to assimilate the Federation while Jean-Luc is on vacation on the Ba'ku planet.

4. The Borg suddenly replace the cubes with huge round starships looking like small moons, and they wear white plastic uniforms and helmets.

3. The whole galaxy is trapped in a time loop so "The Cage" can be announced as a brand new episode. Update: I'm afraid that's no joke anymore since something like that happens in the Abramsverse. And once again in Discovery.

2. The Enterprise-F is commissioned, a starship with five warp nacelles and under the command of Captain Wesley Crusher.

1. The Ferengi join the Federation and force all women to be naked all the time. The American television networks will have to cancel the show.


Top ten things that never happened on Voyager

10. Janeway encounters Q and asks him to take the ship home.

9. Janeway takes any chance to get home.

8. Voyager is attacked, and none of the crew is hurt by an exploding plasma conduit.

7. Voyager is not attacked.

6. At the end of an episode, Voyager is in better shape than at the beginning.

5. Voyager encounters a completely intact Borg cube and is immediately destroyed like usual starships.

4. Voyager runs out of shuttles or crew members.

3. A shuttle gets into an ion storm or other turbulences. However, the excellent pilot named Janeway/Chakotay/Tuvok can land the shuttle safely.

2. Janeway orders the crew to play in a Shakespeare drama instead of just loitering in the holodeck.

1. Neelix discovers the secret of tasteful clothing.


Ten more things that never happened on Voyager suggested by Martin Schulz

10. Compatibility problems with alien technology cannot be solved.

9. For once, alien technology is to Voyager's benefit.

8. Voyager returns after 70 years and the crew consists of a colorful bunch of human/alien half-breeds born on the ship.

7. Janeway learns that bending the rules does not necessarily mean breaking the rules.

6. A battle is lost because the weak point of the vastly superior enemy is not found.

5. Janeway realizes that it is better to avoid the territory of a vastly superior enemy. "No chance - we're gonna fight it out. Let the Prime Directive be damned."

4. Small injuries of main characters such as blindness, disease or trivialities like death cannot be undone.

3. Someone needs more hairspray than Janeway.

2. Chakotay and Janeway

1. A new female crew member comes on board who looks better than Seven of Nine.


Even more things that never happened on Voyager

10. The crew needs more than one week to accomplish a major technological breakthrough.

9. Another wormhole is detected, but Harry Kim is not excited about it at all.

8. Seven realizes that Voyager has been in the Beta Quadrant already for months.

7. Tom notices that his Delta Flyer is taller than the shuttlebay door. But after all, he is a good pilot.

6. Janeway wakes up, only to realize that the whole 5th to 7th season was a dream, and all the events in "Year of Hell" did actually take place.

5. B'Elanna creates holographic projections of the crew to attend the Doctor's slide shows.

4. The cryogenic chambers or the cloning lab are shown. The many crew members must come from somewhere, unless the lower ranks are frequently surgically altered.

3. Tom is demoted to crewman for not switching off the lights in shuttlebay 2, wherever this may be.

2. Harry and Seven

1. Janeway suffers a caffeine shock.


Top ten fun things to do aboard a Borg cube

10. Return the drones' favor and blind them with a laser pointer.

9. Make a shuttle race around the central core.

8. Replay Janeway's words "That's how I prefer the Borg. In pieces." every hour.

7. Occasionally create false sensor readings of Species 8472.

6. Record "We are the Borg", "You will be assimilated" and "Resistance is futile" and make it into a hip-hop song.

5. Let them assimilate a Windows PC.

4. As soon as a Borg enters the alcove for regeneration, play "Silent Night".

3. Put 100W light bulbs into the lamp shades of the alcoves.

2. Program all nanoprobes to create collective diarrhea.

1. Fill the tubes to a Borg's mouth with helium and let him say "Resistance is futile".


Top ten fun things to do aboard a Klingon Bird-of-Prey

10. Turn the cargo bay into an aquarium.

9. Take a dentist with you, who may earn a fortune.

8. Embarrass the captain by asking how long his ship actually is.

7. Call the decorator who designed the Galaxy-class bridge to make some improvements, such as carpeted floor on all decks.

6. Ask the older crew members when they had their forehead surgery.

5. Occasionally play Tribble squeaks from your tricorder.

4. Fry the gagh and serve it with ketchup.

3. Secretly repurpose the cloaking device to hide your comfortable mattress.

2. Move the wings up and down until they break off.

1. Pour a few cans of strawberries into the bloodwine.


Top ten fun things to do aboard a Vulcan ship by Tenniru

10. Keep scanners trained for bald geniuses traveling at the speed of light.

9. Let Porthos into the captain's quarters.

8. Replace the Surak statue's lower robe with a toilet.

7. When Sarek comes aboard, ask "Aren't you that Romulan captain?"

6. Ask them when the next trip to the 1900s will be.

5. Whenever a crewman corrects your logic, accuse them of being emotional.

4. Leave a whoopee cushion on the captain's chair.

3. Show a picture of an egg on the viewer, and say "This is your brain." Then show a picture of a zombie and say "This is your brain on Trellium-D."

2. Steal the tractor beam.

1. Show clips of T'Pol saying that time travel is impossible, and then point and laugh.


Top ten fun things to do aboard a Romulan Warbird by William Kappler

10. Buy gold pips to replace your silver ones.

9. Swap the cloaking device with a photon torpedo.

8. Translate the computer core into Klingon.

7. Toss things into the quantum singularity to see if it will fill up.

6. Turn the navigation computer upside-down so that the ship enters Federation space.

5. Drink all the Romulan ale and replace it with Mountain Dew.

4. Set the main transponder to send out the ship's position when cloaked.

3. Call the Ferengi and tell them that you will pay 4,000 bars of latinum to the first one that can make the commander smile.

2. Tell the crew that the Praetor is coming to visit them.

1. Sing Klingon opera over the main comm system for 8 hours.


Top ten signs you watch too much Star Trek

10. You ask for a baryon sweep at the local car wash.

9. You exceed the speed limit, but refuse to pay the fine because it was still a lot less than Warp 5.

8. You call your wife (or husband) "Number One".

7. You stand up and shout "Captain on the bridge!" whenever your boss (or your mom) walks in.

6. You threaten to eradicate a person you don't like from the timeline.

5. You say "Computer, exit." every time you're in an awkward situation.

4. You get arrested for shoplifting and claim it was actually a shapeshifter (or your Mirror Universe twin).

3. You ask the girl (or boy) to stay for a raktajino after the first date.

2. You are horrified not to find a trace of Starfleet Headquarters in the San Francisco Bay area.

1. You write a complaint letter to Intel because they still haven't got isolinear technology.


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